Whats to come

So update time.

Tomorrow will be my last blog post in the series of my Thankful friends week.  Its going to be a special one because its going to be about my family.  I have really enjoyed doing this series and I'm thinking I might do a Special December series as well.  Going to do some planning and maybe get a layout going this weekend.  January is probably going to be a very busy month. I'm going to try to schedule my gastric bypass somewhere in there.  Gotta make sure everything goes smoothly.  But yep very excited about tomorrow (today)!!! Its Gabriels very FIRST Thanksgiving!  I'm so very excited.  I hope he has a very good one.  I remember last Thanksgiving wasn't very fun for me, even though I did get discharged from the hospital, that is still kinda the beginning of my hospital stay during pregnancy. I can't believe its already been almost a year since he was born...   WOW just big WOW

Anyway my peeps.  I will see you tomorrow well today!   Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

November Thankful Friends Week #3

I'm going to do a November Thankful Friend Week this month. So every week in November I will pick 7 of the people I am thankful for and why. I have so many friends and If I don't put you up here just know that I really do love you and I am thankful for everyone. This is more to let some of ya'll know just how much I appreciate you and how special you are to me.

TweedleTee10

Tina and her husband Alex have the cutest little boy ever named James.  I love ALL of her videos.  She seems really down to earth and her entire family has a wonderful since of humor. Not to mention James is about 2 months older than Gabe.

bitsandclips

Marie is another Youtube mommy and I love following her videos.  She just recently had a little baby boy named Luca.  She is so optimistic and has the sweetest little family.  She also has a daughter named Scarlet.  She does a lot of day in the life videos and those are always entertaining to watch.

ObbsandLala

The last youtube mommy I follow is pretty awesome.  Her channel is called obbsandlala and she does a lot of favorites videos also a lot of meals of the week. Shes got an adorable little boy named Liam and its really neat just seeing some of the stuff that hes into. 

grav3yardgirl

This is Ms Bunny.  Shes more of a makeup youtuber.  One of her serise that I love is "Does this thing really work" Its where she takes as seen on TV products and tests them on video.  Its really awesome and I do love her follow me around stores videos.  Shes also very down to earth and loves thrift shopping.

vintageortacky

Another beauty guru that I LOVE has to be Cora from vintageortacky. Shes a bigger girl and has just inspired me to be confident with myself.  She does an amazing job with her makeup and i love all of her tutorials, they never disappoint.

GingeCast

I love watching Hayden and Sam on their adventures with minecraft.  Do I play minecraft? No but I do really enjoy watching their videos.  They are extremely entertaining.  My favorite of their series is the underground series 1.0 and 2.0 are both really great.

PopularMMOs

 I love Pat, He is amazing and keeps me a little bit more sane throughout my life... anytime I need a pick me up I can just watch his minecraft videos and I feel tons better.  Again I don't play but I love watching others play. Not to mention he really cares about his viewers.  If you leave a comment it gives you a chance to win a spot in this thing he created called the Fansion.  Hes really really cool. 

Alrighty so that is my November thankful friends week # 3 YOU TUBE  edition. Please go check out their channels, I promise you they wont disappoint.  I watch youtube so much because a lot of times I really do need a break from everything.  Its difficult raising 3 kids and its really nice having somewhere to connect to others and get your mind off stuff...

Anyway I am going to come up with an extra special edition next week because this will be going up on Thanksgiving.  I might try to do a video.  Although I don't know because my last video I couldn't put up due to issues with my editor.  Anyways  See Ya Next Week

I believe that in life people make your journey colorful and out of everything i'm thankful for my colorful journey.

Love Yall

November Thankful Friends Week #2

I'm going to do a November Thankful Friend Week this month. So every week in November I will pick 7 of the people I am thankful for and why. I have so many friends and If I don't put you up here just know that I really do love you and I am thankful for everyone. This is more to let some of ya'll know just how much I appreciate you and how special you are to me.

Melinda and Tim- step-mom and dad

My Dad has to be considered one of a kind.  He's pretty cool to hang around with and he can fix just about anything.  I am also very thankful for the van he fixed up for me.  Its perfect for my massive family.  I'm so glad that Melinda is who my dad chose to marry.  She really is an amazing person with a huge heart.  I couldn't have asked for a better step-mom.

Shelly - one of my besties

Shell lights up the room when she walks in. She has this amazing personality that is so fun.  Shes very outgoing and hilarious.  I loved when we would ride 4 wheelers in the woods, or jumped on the trampoline.  We almost always had a good time. I really do view you as my sister.

Megan- one of my besties

Hehe Megan.  The grammar goddess I wish I was, lol.  Megan always has a way with words that gets you thinking.  I love that she always has that mommy chipmunk attitude about her.  Shes very down to earth but she keeps you on you toes and makes you think.  She has always inspired me to think outside the box. 

Maddi- friend

Alright this chicka right here, she is gorgeous.  Yep Maddi is spunky.  I always enjoy seeing her cuz she always has an amazingly funny story to tell.  Shes never afraid to be herself.  She also has one of the cutest little boys in the world and I wish her the best of luck with her pregnancy.  She really has done alot for me and Gabe and we really appreciate it.

jazmyn and jeffrey- neice and nephew

These two taught me to grow up quick.  I love them and its been a blessing to raise them.  I'm gonna miss them when they go back to their mom.  I've learned lots of patience and they also taught me to cook (they themselves didn't but taking care of them and having to cook dinner every night did.)

Monica- friend

Monica helped me a lot with my confidence in high school.  She taught me that even if you don't have a clue what you are doing then pretend you do and most of the time that works out.  She also gave me an appreciation for shoes, mostly heels... lol. Even though we don't talk much if at all now I really do still look up to her.  She never seems afraid to speak her mind.

Kyle and Ashley- friends

Kyle has such a big heart, he is always concerned about what others feel, like if they are having a bad day and he always tries to cheer me up.  I do consider him a very close friend and I really do believe he will go far in life and Ashley is an amazing other half of him... Shes really amazing to be around and she always seems to have a smile on her face.

I believe that in life people make your journey colorful and out of everything i'm thankful for my colorful journey.

Next week I got another list of 7 people that surely do make my life colorful. 

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Crazy story of my miracle:

I don't know how many people know this or anything really about my personal life.  My family is poor. My husband and I live paycheck to paycheck to try to support our family.  We received custody of my niece and nephew in October of 2011. We went about a year where they lived with their grandparents but they mostly have stayed with us.  (Gabe happened the year they stayed over there).  Well its extremely difficult for me to work while trying to take care of the kids and most of the time (like now) we only have one vehicle so its pretty much impossible (it came to eat or renew tags on the car... what would you pick?)  It wasn't always like this, especially when we first got married.  I had a good paying job but life happens.

We have our bad weeks and good weeks.  It just depends on how our bills fall.  There have been several times when we would have to go to the church for food. But it always seems around this time gets a little more difficult.  This week was one of our worse weeks. We didn't have the money to buy any food (meat specifically) for the house, nor did my husband have gas money to make it till next paycheck.  The bills had caught up with us and we couldn't put anymore off.  Gabe was also running out of diapers. (FYI Gabe always has enough food, we receive WIC and he also eats 1/2 of everything I do).  My husband and I already eat only once a day but this wasn't just about us, this was about the kids too.  I guess it was gonna be another trip to the church to stock up on sweets and everything bad for you (one pet peeve about getting free food from charity, its not healthy, its all the rejected baked sweets that stores gotta get rid of.  But I don't like complaining because it is given to us and I'm grateful for it.) The kids eat breakfast and lunch at school but dinner and weekends were a problem.

Gas was also an issue; we had 1/4 tank and that wouldn't come close to lasting another week, especially in the van, with the multiple doctor appointments me and Jazzy had.  I had put my last dollar in the bank so the car insurance would get paid without over drafting and canceling our service.  We don't ever enjoy telling people how bad it gets so most of the time we don't.  My sister in law and her boyfriend invited us over to eat dinner with them last night just so we could have something instead of beans and rice.  Today we went to my grandparents house and got as much frozen meat out of their freezer, but it still wouldn't be enough to last.  I was stressed and so was my husband.

I asked him to check the mail on the way into the house today and I had gotten a letter from my OB.  I opened it thinking it was a bill from my last doctors appointment because they didn't ask for a co-pay.  Then I saw what it was.  A check for $498.80.  I started to cry...  I had no clue how we were going to survive this  next week.  I had no clue how my husband was going to get back and forth to work this next week. And there it was, the answer to my prayers.  The check was for a refund because I prepaid my co-pays for my OB appointments when I was pregnant with Gabe, but since I spent 5 weeks in the hospital I missed those appointments.  Now we can get food and gas and not worry.  It felt like I won the lottery.  We are going to get caught up on our bills and hopefully get ahead enough to get the kids something really good for Christmas.

On a side note:
1. I didn't write this to be pitied or for attention
2.  Don't feel bad for me, we will make it
3. I would rather be poor with my family then be rich without them
4. God always takes care of his children
5. I wrote this just to try to express how thankful I am
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Alright guys, see ya next Thursday! Love Y'all

November Thankful Friend Week #1

I'm going to do a November Thankful Friend Week this month. So every week in November I will pick 7 of the people I am thankful for and why. I have so many friends and If I don't put you up here just know that I really do love you and I am thankful for everyone. This is more to let some of ya'll know just how much I appreciate you and how special you are to me.

1- Gabriel Jones my son

Wow, this boy has completely changed my life.  I love him so much and I never ever thought he would change my life the way he has.   I've never loved someone as much as I love him.  I could never live without him.

2- Brian Jones my hubby

My husband has also changed me.  I've learned to love outside my comfort zone.  He has taught me to take risks and never look back.  He has also taught me to just be myself and if someone doesn't like me then its their fault not mine.

3- Nicki Sansom my sister

My sister has one of the most beautiful personalities ever.  Shes always there for me and is there to listen to my problems... not only that she knows how to have a good time.

4- Barbara Burden my grandmother and my grandfather

This one is both Granny and Papa.  They have such a strong and beautiful relationship and they truly love each other. Papa is so wise and Granny has been a lifesaver by helping me with advice for Gabriel.  

5- Gina Brock my aunt

Shes been like the crazy lady that whacks you with a stick when you stray from the path.  Shes always fun though. We used to do lots of crafts when I was little.  We used to sing songs and one time she wrapped me up in duct tape to make a body dummie and i passed out  lol. [this is the only pic I could find of Gina that was really good.  left-Tab (Gina's bestie) right-Gina]

6- Kristin Ferguson my best-est friend

Oh dear my best-est friend Kris.  Life has been crazy for us.  She has always been there for me... well mostly always. We had some issues back when I was 14 or 15 but even through all that I still consider her my best-est friend in the whole wide world. Even though we don't talk everyday I still think about her and wish and hope I can see her soon.

7- Taunya Robertson a close friend

Taunya was extremely supportive when I miscarried my little girl.  Taunya and Will are the nicest couple I've had the honor to be friends with.  They have a beautiful family and I really look up to both of them.  Taunya is awesome and would do anything for anyone if she could.  Will has also been an amazing friend to my husband.  The only thing I regret is not spending enough time with them, but I hope they both know we care about them and think about them a lot.

I believe that in life people make your journey colorful and out of everything i'm thankful for my colorful journey.

Next week I got another list of 7 people that surely do make my life colorful. Love yall

One step behind

So I got a call from Dr. Kim's office today and found out my insurance only covers 80% so that would leave me with the other 20% to take care of.  They don't even take my medicaid.  So that sucks...  BUT I have an Informational session scheduled at Tampa General for Dr. Murr this Friday.  I know he takes both my primary insurance and my medicaid so ... Hopefully I don't have to pay much if any out of pocket.  I know I will have to pay the 750.00 for the program fee but hopefully that's it.   I already have my letter of medical necessity so I won't have to worry about that. Very excited...

A Day to Remember

I have not turned my back on you 
So there is no need to cry. 
I'm watching you from heaven 
Just beyond the morning sky. 

I've seen you almost fall apart 
When you could barely stand. 
I asked an angel to comfort you 
And watched her take your hand. 

She told me you are in more pain 
Than I could ever be. 
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard 
Then gave your hand to me. 

Although you may not feel my touch 
Or see me by your side. 
I've whispered that I love you 
While I wiped each tear you cried. 

So please try not to ache for me 
We'll meet again one day. 
Beyond the dark and stormy sky 
A rainbow lights the way.
~Authour Unknown



That's the poem I posted to my facebook Feb 21 2012.  I had miscarried Feb 18.  It was difficult for me but I've grown from it.  It does hurt still even though I only knew of her 2 weeks.  Even though she was so small, even though I never got to see her or hold her I still loved her.  Today I lit a candle for her and it burned over an hour.  Time has healed a lot.  I've accepted but that doesn't mean I will forget.  I will never forget.  My thoughts on this helped me cope with my loss:  I believe that for every miscarriage you have that's how many babies you will have in heaven.  Why not?  Why not carry to term your baby that you were unable to on earth?  I'll see her again someday.  (maybe even 2 others, twice I thought I was pregnant before but no positive tests and afterwards miscarriage symptoms; no way of knowing now.) 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 But anyway, My trip to Tampa with my sister was fun. We went to lighthouse thrift shop and I got Gabe lots and lots of clothes.  We then went to eat at Kobe in Brandon and it was SOOOOO good.  Gabe loved the fire and he ate like a horse.  He had 2 pouches, all aunt Nini's potatoes, half my zucchini, rice and noodles.  (lets just say he didn't want anything the rest of the night).  We then went to my sisters doctors appointment and I got to meet her surgeon, Dr. Murr.  I really liked him the only problem is I don't think I will be able to come up with the 750$ for the program fee.  Its the only thing not covered under my insurance. Tomorrow I have an appointment at Celebration Health, I really hope their program fee isn't expensive.  This surgery means the world to me and I am so close. I can't wait for this and I've wanted it for a very very Long time.

  Anyway guys, Take care 

Oh a video of Gabe at the park:

Round 3, Fight

     I quit smoking... yeah it took longer than I wanted but since Monday I have been smoke free!  October 16th I go to a seminar in Orlando to meet my surgeon and get started with the gastric bypass. I am so excited and ready to start this new chapter in my life.

     This will be my third attempt at the gastric bypass.  The first time was in 2008 and I went through the six month weight loss program and i had to go through a psychiatrist and that fell though at the last minute because I moved. My second attempt was in 2012 and again I went though the six months and on the sixth month I found out I was pregnant with Gabriel.  So now is attempt number 3.  My insurance actually changed its policy and I no longer have to go through the six months of medically supervised weight loss.  They replaced it with a surgeons recommendation due to medical necessity.  In order to prove medical necessity you must have a BMI of over 40 (mines about 55) and a bunch of documentation.  In other words it seems to me that I may be having this surgery pretty soon.... On a different note:

     I think I am going to actively start vloging my journey on YouTube.  I don't know if anyone wants to see it but I think it would be interesting to at least have a record of my journey. At least I want to vlog. I love watching other peoples vlogs and would love to get more involved in that type of community.

     Gabriel is FINALLY mobile... its took a while but he can crawl and get around in a walker. I don't like to use the walker often but until we get the house FULLY baby proof I kinda have to. We have to get some baby gates and we need to install some child locks on our cabinets.  We have a couple but not enough.   Not to mention he has been pulling up on EVERYTHING... and I mean everything.  The problem is we don't have any carpet in our house, its just tile and rugs.  So crawling can get pretty dangerous and I can't keep him in one spot because he just wants to GO GO GO...

     He Loves Tv, he loves watching it but not all the time, just sometimes. We also have been working very hard on him sleeping in his crib at night. There is still lots and lots of crying but we are getting it. Slowly but surely. Anyway guys and gals... Have a good day and God Bless

Lets Get Personal

Alright guys, Lets get Personal.....

A lot of you who read this are close friends and family but a lot of you don't know some stuff about me.  This is gonna be a difficult blog to write because I've kept some secrets for a long time.  Please don't be judgmental because I don't need to be judged about this, I need support.

I'm a smoker.  (gasp)  lol, but yeah, I have been smoking for several years now.

Questions:
1.)  Did you smoke while you were pregnant with Gabe?
No, the moment I found out I quit.  At 3:30 am the day i found out I had went to the walmart and bought a pregnancy test and a pack of cigarettes (I know the cashier probably thought I was crazy).  I smoked 2 on the way home and took the test.  Once it was positive I never touched another until after he was born.

2.)Do you smoke around Gabe?
No, I never smoke around him. Nor does anyone else smoke around him.  I don't even smoke in my van, even if hes not in it.

3.) Why did you start back after you had quit that long?
Well that's an interesting question.  For me cigarettes are a stress reliever so for the first 2 1/2 months after he was born I didn't smoke at all.  I was breast feeding him and I never really planned to start back.  When we got the kids back early March I felt overwhelmed.  I was trying to pump enough breast milk to sustain my spartan baby but I didn't really have much time because I also had to take care of the kids, so my milk supply started to dwindle.  At that point I felt like a horrible mother and that's when I started getting depressed. (more about that later).  So to help me relieve the stress I started smoking again.

4.) Are you going to quit?
YES, and that's the motivation for this post.  I need help with a lot of things. I need a support system.  I don't want Gabe to ever remember me as a smoker.  I want him to know that his mommy is healthy and will be around for a long time.  I have 5 left and after that I'm done for good.

Alright now I hope I answered some questions.  If you have more for me just leave me a comment.  On to part 2.  Depression and self esteem.  I'm having a difficult time balancing my new life as a mommy of 3.  Its been hard, rough and very overwhelming at times.  Recently I haven't had the gumption to do anything.    I did see my doctor about it and she did put me on antidepressants.  I can tell a small difference especially in the past couple of days.

I have self esteem issues.  Its very hard for me to watch my sister loose over 100 lbs.  We've always kinda been the same size and now that I don't have my partner in crime its been difficult for me to adjust.  DON'T GET ME WRONG. I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER. We have actually spoken about this and I don't believe there is any hard feelings.

I need to get healthy. I've tried 2 previous times to get the gastric bypass and each time something has gotten in my way.  The first time we moved and I chose to discontinue my quest.  The second time I became pregnant with Gabe.  So here goes try 3.  I'm going to do this for me, and for Gabe.  I want to be healthy for him and that involves me quitting smoking, beating this depression with a very large stick, and finally getting this gastric bypass to help me loose weight.  I will do it and I NEED everyone's 150% support.  If you don't support me then I would rather you just forget what you read and keep going because I'm not stopping for NO ONE.

love you all LOTS

peace out!

50 Shades of disaster

Alright so many of you have heard of the 50 shades casting news and it seems like social media has exploded with negative reactions to who was chosen.  So here is just one more opinion on it.

I personally believe that the books were poorly written. They had little to no character development, and also were a huge rip off to twilight.  Ive read the twilight books and I loved them although the movies (mostly the first) were bad but over time got better. (I blame a directing error)

Twilight had a foundation, it had depth and was well written, so when it was put to screen it had a chance to get better (which it did). But E.L. James is not a writer.  She did a fan fiction based on twilight that just so happened to get popular and published.  So when you take a book that has no foundation, no structure and you put it on screen, its going to suck.  The ONLY way for this movie to have any chance of beeing good is for a totally different author to rewrite the entire 50 shades books and base the movie off those.

So concerning the casting...  You never know how a movie will be until its done.   Those actors might be perfect for it but also if the movie sucks (it will) they will take the blame for it, not the author. 

People will still see the movie and probably love it, but It will be loved because of the promiscuity (is that a word) of it.  Not because it was a well thought out, intracate, display of artwork that it should be. (which its not)   

Just my personal opinion, hope you enjoyed.... (overlook any spelling errors.... Im horrible at spelling and my phone has no spellcheck option with my blogger app.  Sorry)

Life just got real

update

In the quiet of the moment... and in the chaos of another

I sat in my glider rocking my little prince to sleep tonight.  He loves when I sing to him, but I don't know a lot of lullabies, so i sing songs and hymns I learned from chapel and my church youth group.  I was afraid I had forgotten them but once I started singing the lyrics came quickly.  After he had fallen asleep in the quiet of the moment I sat and enjoyed my baby.  I'm happy to be called mommy.  Its a privilege and the most amazing feeling in the world.  My love for him sometimes feels as if it would explode my heart.  But I have regrets.  Something I haven't forgiven myself for. 

It shocked me to find out I was pregnant.  Only 3 months prior I had lost a pregnancy at 7 weeks.  It was a girl, well you couldn't tell yet but I'm sure of it because I craved oranges and she felt like a girl.  When I lost her I felt my soul break.  I didn't want to do anything and I sunk into a pretty deep hole.  The 2 weeks of pregnancy I enjoyed had been the best feeling in the world and that was ripped from me.  Not only did it tear me apart the actual miscarriage hurt physically.  On February 18 I started cramping horribly and it felt like my insides were being ripped out.  I started bleeding and I knew I was loosing my baby girl.  I went to the hospital and the doctor confirmed it.  I don't remember the couple days following and my husband has never spoken of them. 

Like I said 3 months later I get a positive pregnancy test.  I'm shocked and I expect to become happy and thrilled but my expectations betrayed me.  My emotions betrayed me in the worse possible way... I hated it.  I hated the fact that I was pregnant.  It wasnt fair, it wasn't the same baby that I lost.  And I cried and cried because I hated it so much.  It even crosses my mind to give it up for adoption.  An abortion wasn't an option because of my beliefs but let me just say that I almost wished I didn't believe the way I did.  (This is very very painful to write by the way)  that went on for about 3-4 weeks.  I couldn't stand myself. 

June 9th was my anniversary and my husband and I had spent it watching movies.  We had also had a nice dinner that we had both helped prepare.  The last five minutes of the movie I never got to see... I had a very strong urge to go to the bathroom, I remember walking toward the bathroom and making a comment to my husband that I had just went about 10 minutes ago.  I got in there and discovered I was bleeding ... it wasn't a little, there was an insane amount.  I froze and in that moment that I saw that much blood I fell in love with my baby.  

My husband said the car ride to the hospital was a religious experience.  I cried and cried and begged and pleaded.   What I never told him was this: I wasn't talking to God... I was talking to my baby.  And the reason I wasn't talking to God was because everything happens for a reason and God never said it was going to be easy, he just said he would be with us.
I was begging with my baby.  I was apologizing for how I felt before. I was begging him to let me be his mother.  I loved him.  That's when I fell in love with Gabriel.  And I think the reason I named him Gabriel was because of that and also his sister.  I call her my Angel baby.  Ever since that night I knew he was strong and I had felt a connection with him.  Within the week I could tell he was a boy.  And after I was put in the hospital I knew I would make it to 35 weeks but I also knew he would be born in December. (Which gave him a 3 day window)  I also knew his birthday would fall on a special day...  ended up being New Years Eve. 

I love my little prince but I still regret those feelings.  I still regret not always loving him.  I also regret not healing emotionally from the miscarriage  before I became pregnant. But that is life... and I must live with my regrets.

  My baby boy is my life... and I'm so glad he let me be his mommy.

Little boys make big messes

Sometimes things can get a little messy with Gabriel.  Like when he pees all over himself then you get him all cleaned up and then he squirts poo everywhere... and all during a diaper change.  That's fun... but there was one thing I dreaded worse than the pee and poo that turns out isn't as bad as I thought.  Spit up.  Yep the pre-mommy me was absolutely dreading spit up.  Just the thought of it made me wanna gag and puke and run.  But that changed when I dealt with it that first time.  It really is different when its your own child... I thought that was just a saying. But nope its the truth.  I was officially initiated into the spit up club yesterday when I was trying to burp him and as I heard the loud deep rumble of a burp I also felt warm wet liquid on my shoulder.  It had also gotten all in my hair all over him and his clothes.  So I went to change his clothes and he spit up again 1/2 way through the change so I had to do another change of clothes. 

One thing I can say is I love this little boy so much... he is so sweet and absolutely the perfect baby ever.  Never cries only unless its a good reason... he has had about 2 or 3 instances where you pick him up while he's in a deep sleep and he won't realize what's going on and have a mini freak out but once you talk to him and he realizes who it is that has him he calms right down. 

I've been meaning to do a video post I just haven't gotten around to it yet...  I need to.  I want to do a nursery tour. And a what I've used and what I haven't used for him his first month.  Also a review of my diaper pail, wipes, and diapers! And maybe some other things.

And here's a special picture of him and his daddy.

Gabriels birth story

On monday, November 19th I felt horrible... I had a sore throat and all my muscles ached.  I sounded horrible as well and I spent most of the day lounging around.  I thought I was getting the flu and did some research on having the flu while pregnant... I also found that the flu lasts about a week and I wasn't looking forward to feeling horrible for that week.  I went to bed that night and the muscle pains got worse, I couldn't get comfortable so I put a heating pad on my back and finally got comfortable enough to go to sleep. The next day I felt fine and convinced myself that it was a 24 hour bug.

That Wednesday (November 21) I had an ultrasound to see how big my baby was getting due to the diabetes,  it was a normal routine ultrasound.  She started with his head and went from there.  He looked healthy with no problems at all.  She then looked at my cervix and I asked my normal questions: is there enough fluid? How does my cervix look? Is it still closed properly?... when I got to my cervix questions she said: "I'm not able to see it well, I need to do a transvaginal"   Now with my countless hours of research I knew a few things:  1. My cervix was visible without a transvaginal u/s and 2. They hardly ever do a transvaginal at 29 weeks gestation.  So I asked again: is everything ok with my cervix?  The u/s tech replied: yes, it just looks as if its thinning a little.   So after we get done I will let you speak to the doctor.    I had read countless accounts of women who's cervix thinned a little early on and I knew that it probably wasn't that big of a deal.  What happened next changed everything.

We sat in the waiting room and I reassured my husband everything was ok.  That thinning happened sometimes and that we would be just fine.  We were called back and a doctor took us in the exam room... I stood there with the door opened and she asked if I knew what was going on.  I said that the u/s tech said my cervix was a little thinned and the doctor said: ok.  I have paged the doctor on call and she wants to see you immediately.  You need to go to the hospital straight to Labor and Delivery, DO NOT STOP ANYWHERE ELSE! the doctor is waiting on you... and then we weee escorted out the back door of the doctors office.

The 2 minute drive was insanely emotional... I was terrified.  Scared for my baby.  When I got to the hospital they took me right back and asked me to change.  When I had walked out of the bathroom the doctor was already in the room ready for me.  She did the exam and then asked me what I knew... I explained all I knew was my thinning cervix and she went on to tell me that I was 4cm dilated and 50% thinned out... in other words I was already almost half way through labor just without contractions.  They admitted me and I stayed on bedrest for that night.  I was discharged the next day (thanksgiving)  and put on bedrest at home.  I told my husband my goal is to make it to 35 weeks...

That next night at home went well but the next day I felt exhausted.  I took naps though the entire day and by 3am early Saturday morning I felt as if I needed to go back to the hospital.  I was having back pains just like the ones from that Monday.    I arrived at the hospital and I met my now primary OBGYN doctor... doctor "M"... she checked me and said I was 4 cm dilated and 100% effaced... I had no cervix left.  They admitted me into a labor and delivery room and put me on magnesium sulfate and gave me more steroids to help with Gabriels development.  Being 30 weeks I was going to have a preemie... possibly a 4lb preemie so I spoke with the NICU doctor and he answered my questions... I was as mentally prepared as I could've been to deliver that day...  but one day turned into 2, that turned into a week...  they took me off magnesium then I was given bathroom and chair privileges.  There was an issue though... my baby was breech with a huge pocket of water between him and my cervix (what was left of it).  So if my water broke then the umbilical cord could've fallen out....  which would've been an emergency because it would've gotten pinched and cut off oxygen supply to my baby...  so I was stuck in the hospital until one of 3 things happened: 1. I went into labor 2. He turned head down or 3. His butt fell down blocking the opening.  All the ultrasounds always showed the same... that huge gap.  I was stuck, and on the weeks went. 

I got comfortable with the nurses and made friends.  I wanted to go into labor, I was sick of being there. But on the other hand I wanted a healthy baby.  I changed rooms a lot and that was always a welcomed change.  I got sick of being cooped up.  Christmas came and an ultrasound was scheduled that day due to some variations in Gabriels heart rate.  When it came to my cervix and his position to it we were unable to see... the tech just couldn't see.  2 days later on December 27th a close friend of mine went into labor and had her baby.  Also on that day Dr. M came in to review my ultrasound.  She did another and we finally saw what we were waiting on... there was his butt.  Right there his butt was blocking my cervix and I could finally go home.

Being at home was miserable but I did enjoy being out of the hospital.  I knew I would be back soon but I was worried.  My doctor, the one who I had seen almost every day for 5 weeks was only on call again December 31 and January 1st so I knew if I went into labor before that then I would have someone I didn't trust as well deliver my baby.  December 31 came and I had wanted to have my baby in December and this was the last day...  I was irritable and had an argument with my husband.  I was having back pains and I didn't want to go to the hospital because they would keep me again and my back pains would eventually stop... well the back pains didn't stop.  So at around 6:00 I headed to the hospital. 

By the time we got there (6:45) I was having contractions.  The nurses welcomed me and was asked all the normal questions... I asked if Dr. M was there and they said she will be in 15 minutes.  She walked in and checked me... she said I was 5 almost 6 cm... and that we were going to go ahead and do a c-section.   I was shocked... I didn't believe her until they came in to do the catheter (which didn't fly with me... they had to do it later after my epidural).  I had to wait because there was a c-section before me but they said it would be about 10 o'clock.  So I laid there and contracted forever until they came to get me. 

All the normal c-section procedures were done... I had an epidural which was an interesting experience... my husband came in afterwards.  They put a catheter in and Dr. M got started.  I talked to my husband while they worked (I had to ask him if they had already cut me open...)  then at 10:39 I heard the best sound in the world.  Gabriel came out screaming and my husband left my side to check on our son.  I then heard Dr.M question his weight... 8lbs 6oz...  she flipped out.  I remember hearing her say : "That is the largest 35 week preemie I have ever delivered". 

Gabriel was sent to NICU and my husband followed. I was stitched up and sent to recovery where me, a nurse, and Dr. M celebrated the new year.  Gabriel didn't have any issues other than blood sugar problems which resolved itself after 3 days.  On the forth day I was discharged.  I have to admit recovery has been difficult. Not only am I recovering from a c-section but also from the 5 weeks I spent on bedrest.  But it was all worth it. 

I have a healthy happy 8lb preemie
 

Changing time

My life changed forever on December 31st 2012.   I was blessed with a New Years Eve baby.   He is absolutely amazing.  I have heard all the cute sayings such as I never knew what life was until I had you...  all of those I thought were just sayings.   But i realized they arent just sayings... i honestly NEVER ever imagined I could love someone as much as I love my Gabriel.  Don't get me wrong I love my husband deeply and I know hes my "soul mate " (sorry for the intense cheeseyness) but the connection I feel with Gabriel is almost more than I can comprehend.  Its almost supernatural, I can't explain it.   Hes so strong and so special.  Overall he is an excellent baby.  I've never cared for a newborn before but from the stories I have heard none compare to how excellent he is.  He hardly ever cries.  He sometimes cries during diaper changes because he gets cold... and the one time he was hungry and I wasn't able to feed him right then.  By the way, that was the worst feeling in the entire world!   I felt helpless and overall a horrible mother.... It was my mistake.  But I am glad Gabriel is so forgiving.  He still loves me even though I messed up that day. We are both learning so we have to have patience with each other.  Well I must be going. I have to get his bottle ready ... I have so much to post. Especially some thank yous that have been way overdue.  Along with some general things we have been learning together...  By the way the picture for this post is a pic not found on Facebook!