I sat in my glider rocking my little prince to sleep tonight. He loves when I sing to him, but I don't know a lot of lullabies, so i sing songs and hymns I learned from chapel and my church youth group. I was afraid I had forgotten them but once I started singing the lyrics came quickly. After he had fallen asleep in the quiet of the moment I sat and enjoyed my baby. I'm happy to be called mommy. Its a privilege and the most amazing feeling in the world. My love for him sometimes feels as if it would explode my heart. But I have regrets. Something I haven't forgiven myself for.
It shocked me to find out I was pregnant. Only 3 months prior I had lost a pregnancy at 7 weeks. It was a girl, well you couldn't tell yet but I'm sure of it because I craved oranges and she felt like a girl. When I lost her I felt my soul break. I didn't want to do anything and I sunk into a pretty deep hole. The 2 weeks of pregnancy I enjoyed had been the best feeling in the world and that was ripped from me. Not only did it tear me apart the actual miscarriage hurt physically. On February 18 I started cramping horribly and it felt like my insides were being ripped out. I started bleeding and I knew I was loosing my baby girl. I went to the hospital and the doctor confirmed it. I don't remember the couple days following and my husband has never spoken of them.
Like I said 3 months later I get a positive pregnancy test. I'm shocked and I expect to become happy and thrilled but my expectations betrayed me. My emotions betrayed me in the worse possible way... I hated it. I hated the fact that I was pregnant. It wasnt fair, it wasn't the same baby that I lost. And I cried and cried because I hated it so much. It even crosses my mind to give it up for adoption. An abortion wasn't an option because of my beliefs but let me just say that I almost wished I didn't believe the way I did. (This is very very painful to write by the way) that went on for about 3-4 weeks. I couldn't stand myself.
June 9th was my anniversary and my husband and I had spent it watching movies. We had also had a nice dinner that we had both helped prepare. The last five minutes of the movie I never got to see... I had a very strong urge to go to the bathroom, I remember walking toward the bathroom and making a comment to my husband that I had just went about 10 minutes ago. I got in there and discovered I was bleeding ... it wasn't a little, there was an insane amount. I froze and in that moment that I saw that much blood I fell in love with my baby.
My husband said the car ride to the hospital was a religious experience. I cried and cried and begged and pleaded. What I never told him was this: I wasn't talking to God... I was talking to my baby. And the reason I wasn't talking to God was because everything happens for a reason and God never said it was going to be easy, he just said he would be with us.
I was begging with my baby. I was apologizing for how I felt before. I was begging him to let me be his mother. I loved him. That's when I fell in love with Gabriel. And I think the reason I named him Gabriel was because of that and also his sister. I call her my Angel baby. Ever since that night I knew he was strong and I had felt a connection with him. Within the week I could tell he was a boy. And after I was put in the hospital I knew I would make it to 35 weeks but I also knew he would be born in December. (Which gave him a 3 day window) I also knew his birthday would fall on a special day... ended up being New Years Eve.
I love my little prince but I still regret those feelings. I still regret not always loving him. I also regret not healing emotionally from the miscarriage before I became pregnant. But that is life... and I must live with my regrets.
My baby boy is my life... and I'm so glad he let me be his mommy.
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