Lets Get Personal

Alright guys, Lets get Personal.....

A lot of you who read this are close friends and family but a lot of you don't know some stuff about me.  This is gonna be a difficult blog to write because I've kept some secrets for a long time.  Please don't be judgmental because I don't need to be judged about this, I need support.

I'm a smoker.  (gasp)  lol, but yeah, I have been smoking for several years now.

Questions:
1.)  Did you smoke while you were pregnant with Gabe?
No, the moment I found out I quit.  At 3:30 am the day i found out I had went to the walmart and bought a pregnancy test and a pack of cigarettes (I know the cashier probably thought I was crazy).  I smoked 2 on the way home and took the test.  Once it was positive I never touched another until after he was born.

2.)Do you smoke around Gabe?
No, I never smoke around him. Nor does anyone else smoke around him.  I don't even smoke in my van, even if hes not in it.

3.) Why did you start back after you had quit that long?
Well that's an interesting question.  For me cigarettes are a stress reliever so for the first 2 1/2 months after he was born I didn't smoke at all.  I was breast feeding him and I never really planned to start back.  When we got the kids back early March I felt overwhelmed.  I was trying to pump enough breast milk to sustain my spartan baby but I didn't really have much time because I also had to take care of the kids, so my milk supply started to dwindle.  At that point I felt like a horrible mother and that's when I started getting depressed. (more about that later).  So to help me relieve the stress I started smoking again.

4.) Are you going to quit?
YES, and that's the motivation for this post.  I need help with a lot of things. I need a support system.  I don't want Gabe to ever remember me as a smoker.  I want him to know that his mommy is healthy and will be around for a long time.  I have 5 left and after that I'm done for good.

Alright now I hope I answered some questions.  If you have more for me just leave me a comment.  On to part 2.  Depression and self esteem.  I'm having a difficult time balancing my new life as a mommy of 3.  Its been hard, rough and very overwhelming at times.  Recently I haven't had the gumption to do anything.    I did see my doctor about it and she did put me on antidepressants.  I can tell a small difference especially in the past couple of days.

I have self esteem issues.  Its very hard for me to watch my sister loose over 100 lbs.  We've always kinda been the same size and now that I don't have my partner in crime its been difficult for me to adjust.  DON'T GET ME WRONG. I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER. We have actually spoken about this and I don't believe there is any hard feelings.

I need to get healthy. I've tried 2 previous times to get the gastric bypass and each time something has gotten in my way.  The first time we moved and I chose to discontinue my quest.  The second time I became pregnant with Gabe.  So here goes try 3.  I'm going to do this for me, and for Gabe.  I want to be healthy for him and that involves me quitting smoking, beating this depression with a very large stick, and finally getting this gastric bypass to help me loose weight.  I will do it and I NEED everyone's 150% support.  If you don't support me then I would rather you just forget what you read and keep going because I'm not stopping for NO ONE.

love you all LOTS

peace out!