Life just got real

update

In the quiet of the moment... and in the chaos of another

I sat in my glider rocking my little prince to sleep tonight.  He loves when I sing to him, but I don't know a lot of lullabies, so i sing songs and hymns I learned from chapel and my church youth group.  I was afraid I had forgotten them but once I started singing the lyrics came quickly.  After he had fallen asleep in the quiet of the moment I sat and enjoyed my baby.  I'm happy to be called mommy.  Its a privilege and the most amazing feeling in the world.  My love for him sometimes feels as if it would explode my heart.  But I have regrets.  Something I haven't forgiven myself for. 

It shocked me to find out I was pregnant.  Only 3 months prior I had lost a pregnancy at 7 weeks.  It was a girl, well you couldn't tell yet but I'm sure of it because I craved oranges and she felt like a girl.  When I lost her I felt my soul break.  I didn't want to do anything and I sunk into a pretty deep hole.  The 2 weeks of pregnancy I enjoyed had been the best feeling in the world and that was ripped from me.  Not only did it tear me apart the actual miscarriage hurt physically.  On February 18 I started cramping horribly and it felt like my insides were being ripped out.  I started bleeding and I knew I was loosing my baby girl.  I went to the hospital and the doctor confirmed it.  I don't remember the couple days following and my husband has never spoken of them. 

Like I said 3 months later I get a positive pregnancy test.  I'm shocked and I expect to become happy and thrilled but my expectations betrayed me.  My emotions betrayed me in the worse possible way... I hated it.  I hated the fact that I was pregnant.  It wasnt fair, it wasn't the same baby that I lost.  And I cried and cried because I hated it so much.  It even crosses my mind to give it up for adoption.  An abortion wasn't an option because of my beliefs but let me just say that I almost wished I didn't believe the way I did.  (This is very very painful to write by the way)  that went on for about 3-4 weeks.  I couldn't stand myself. 

June 9th was my anniversary and my husband and I had spent it watching movies.  We had also had a nice dinner that we had both helped prepare.  The last five minutes of the movie I never got to see... I had a very strong urge to go to the bathroom, I remember walking toward the bathroom and making a comment to my husband that I had just went about 10 minutes ago.  I got in there and discovered I was bleeding ... it wasn't a little, there was an insane amount.  I froze and in that moment that I saw that much blood I fell in love with my baby.  

My husband said the car ride to the hospital was a religious experience.  I cried and cried and begged and pleaded.   What I never told him was this: I wasn't talking to God... I was talking to my baby.  And the reason I wasn't talking to God was because everything happens for a reason and God never said it was going to be easy, he just said he would be with us.
I was begging with my baby.  I was apologizing for how I felt before. I was begging him to let me be his mother.  I loved him.  That's when I fell in love with Gabriel.  And I think the reason I named him Gabriel was because of that and also his sister.  I call her my Angel baby.  Ever since that night I knew he was strong and I had felt a connection with him.  Within the week I could tell he was a boy.  And after I was put in the hospital I knew I would make it to 35 weeks but I also knew he would be born in December. (Which gave him a 3 day window)  I also knew his birthday would fall on a special day...  ended up being New Years Eve. 

I love my little prince but I still regret those feelings.  I still regret not always loving him.  I also regret not healing emotionally from the miscarriage  before I became pregnant. But that is life... and I must live with my regrets.

  My baby boy is my life... and I'm so glad he let me be his mommy.